{"id":229957,"date":"2020-12-20T18:40:53","date_gmt":"2020-12-20T23:40:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/coreywilkspsyd.com\/?p=229957"},"modified":"2024-01-15T16:56:27","modified_gmt":"2024-01-15T21:56:27","slug":"why-most-people-never-reach-their-full-potential","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/coreywilkspsyd.com\/why-most-people-never-reach-their-full-potential\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Most People Never Reach Their Full Potential"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n“You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.”<\/p>\n\u2014Abraham Maslow<\/em><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Imagine: You\u2019ve got a high-profile job. You make good money. Your coworkers respect you. You\u2019ve won all the accolades for doing your job well. You go home to a loving partner and happy healthy children. You fill your home with the latest gadgets and decorations and just bought a new car.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sounds perfect, right? Almost\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Deep down you still feel like something is missing. On your commute, in the morning before your family wakes up or at night when they\u2019re asleep, when you catch yourself staring out the window daydreaming\u2014there\u2019s a nagging hollowness you can\u2019t shake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite all the luxuries, you just don\u2019t feel alive<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The good news? You\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The bad news? You\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Most of us don\u2019t lead fulfilling lives. We go through the motions, we chase the carrot on the stick, then continue on with our mundane existence with the nagging suspicion we aren\u2019t living up to our potential. We crave purpose and meaning, but rarely achieve them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We all have wants and needs. The difference between a want and a need is that we\u2019re driven to meet our needs, whereas wants are optional. You may prefer Topo Chico mineral water, but if you\u2019re hot and dehydrated, you\u2019ll accept tap water just fine; you may want<\/em> the fancy stuff, but you need<\/em> some kind of hydration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When it comes to meeting our needs, Dr. Abraham Maslow claimed the majority of us stop our pursuit after we reach what he called the Esteem tier of the Hierarchy of Needs<\/a>\u2013which is one level below the top tier. This hierarchy is usually depicted as a 5-level pyramid, with the most basic (aka necessary for survival) needs at the bottom and more abstract needs toward the top. You typically have to meet the lower needs before you can move onto the higher ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So what are our needs and why do most of us stop before we reach the top? <\/p>\n\n\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tTable Of Contents\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
- The Lower Tiers (Basic Needs)<\/a>
- Physiological<\/a>
- Safety<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li>
- The Middle Tiers (Psychological Needs)<\/a>
- Love and Belonging<\/a>
- Esteem<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li>
- The Highest Tier (Self-Fulfillment Needs)<\/a>
- Self-Actualization<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li>
- What Stops Us from Reaching Our Potential?<\/a>
- Ignorance<\/a>
- Complacency<\/a>
- Fear<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li>
- What To Do About It<\/a>
- The Takeaway<\/a>
- P.S.<\/a><\/ul><\/ul><\/ul><\/ul><\/ul><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\n\n\n
\u2022\u2022\u2022<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Lower Tiers (Basic Needs)<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n
These two tiers are known as your \u201cbasic needs\u201d because they\u2019re considered the bare minimum for people to eke out an existence. These are the foundation of the pyramid\u2014without them, everything else crumbles away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Physiological<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
This tier contains the most basic elements for you to live; in a word: homeostasis. Breathable air, drinkable water, nutritious food, restful sleep, and refuge from the elements. You have to meet these needs before you can do anything else. If you\u2019re starving or malnourished, severely dehydrated, have hypothermia, haven\u2019t slept in days, or can\u2019t breathe, then you can\u2019t function beyond immediate survival. Most, but not all, people in today\u2019s society have these needs met to some extent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After you\u2019ve gotten the bare necessities out of the way, you\u2019ll be able to move on to your next set of needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Safety<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Just like you need homeostasis, aka stability, for your body, you also need stability in your day to day life. Without safety and security, it\u2019s difficult to anticipate how to navigate the world. If we don\u2019t know what to expect, anxiety can paralyze us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lot of us get stuck at this level. Like getting stuck in a ditch, many people, especially those from a low socioeconomic background, struggle to dig themselves out of this pit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you live paycheck to paycheck, don\u2019t have job security, have to balance which bills you\u2019ll pay this week and which ones you\u2019ll have to pay late fees on next month, have to choose between paying for your medication or food, willfully try to ignore that weird noise your car\u2019s been making because you can\u2019t afford to fix it anyway, or have been couch-surfing because you can\u2019t afford the deposit and utilities for your own place\u2014then this tier is where you\u2019re at in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hard to date when you can\u2019t afford dinner and a movie. Hard to find a career when you\u2019re already working 60 hours between 3 jobs that don\u2019t offer benefits, can\u2019t afford nice clothes for a job interview, or don\u2019t have the time or money to take some college classes. Hard to save money to build a better life when you\u2019re swimming in debt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s also the matter of physical safety. If you view the world around you as a dangerous place, it\u2019s much more difficult for you to build healthy relationships or take risks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In order to take risks in our personal or professional lives, we have to feel some sense of safety. It\u2019s easier to risk taking a new job or starting a family if you have financial security. It\u2019s easier to set boundaries with your partner when you don\u2019t fear being assaulted. It\u2019s easier to go jogging or walk the dog in your neighborhood if you aren\u2019t worried about getting mugged or shot as soon as you walk out the door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But hey, let\u2019s say you\u2019ve achieved financial security and relative physical safety, now what?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022\u2022\u2022<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Middle Tiers (Psychological Needs)<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n
These next two tiers are also known as your \u201cpsychological needs\u201d because they involve your emotions and forming healthy connections with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Love and Belonging<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Humans are social creatures, so we\u2019re driven to form bonds with others and create groups. We need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance by our peers. This can include a small group of friends, religious group, co-workers, fraternity or sorority, a partner, our family, or an online community.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We need to love and be loved. This is why ostracism, aka exile, has been used as punishment throughout human history\u2014it literally hurts us to feel abandoned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If we\u2019re abandoned, neglected, or shunned by others, it can lead to loneliness, anxiety, depression, and\u00a0addiction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These experiences also stunt our ability to build a positive self-image, or build healthy relationships in the future. We begin to think, If others don\u2019t love me, maybe it\u2019s because I\u2019m unlovable. <\/em>If that\u2019s our baseline assumption, it becomes a lens through which we see the rest of the world. This lens colors our perceptions and leads to pessimism and insecurity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But if we do<\/em> feel a sense of love and belonging with others, we\u2019re driven to satisfy the next level of our psychological needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Esteem<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
This tier can be summed up with one word: respect. Respect from<\/em> others and respect for<\/em> ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Respect from others includes gaining recognition for our accomplishments and having prestige. Being employee of the month, getting a raise, even becoming the CEO are all forms of being respected and garnering attention from others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Respect for ourselves, aka self-esteem, is different. It\u2019s possible to have people fawn over you but still hate yourself. Deep-seated fears of abandonment, self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy\u2014these cripple our ability to develop healthy self-esteem. We meet this need by developing a sense of competence and confidence in our abilities, who we are, and what we believe we\u2019re capable of achieving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is the tier most of us stop at. We have safety, security, a good job, people like us, and we like ourselves. What more could we want or need<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022\u2022\u2022<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Highest Tier (Self-Fulfillment Needs)<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n
Self-Actualization<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
You could be the CEO of a huge company and make millions of dollars, but if your true passion is digging wells for people in the Congo, you\u2019re not self-actualized. That\u2019s actually what MMA veteran Justin \u201cThe Pygmy\u201d Wren does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here is a TEDx Talk<\/a> Justin gave where he ends by asking the audience, \u201cWhat would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?\u201d Answering this question can give you a starting point to figure out what self-actualization looks like for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Self-actualization is living up to our full potential, embracing our passions, and pursuing activities that are deeply fulfilling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As Maslow himself put it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
This is what you\u2019d do even if you didn\u2019t get paid for it, because it\u2019s so intrinsically rewarding and based on what you value most\u2013it\u2019s your calling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Put another way, what are you willing to suffer for? As Mark Manson puts it, \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite flavor of shit sandwich?\u201d In this article<\/a>, Mark goes on to say:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cNothing is pleasurable or uplifting all of the time. So, the question becomes: what struggle or sacrifice are you willing to tolerate?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
The Stoics refer to this concept as eudaimonia<\/em>, which loosely translates to \u201cfulfillment.\u201d It goes beyond the concept of superficial happiness\u2014hedonistic pleasures like sex, drugs, material possessions, binging tv shows, or bungie jumping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Eudaimonia is about doing things that, even if they don\u2019t always make you happy in the moment<\/em>, give your life direction, purpose, and meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n